I'm a child of a father with cancer

I dare to post this photo to signify my sympathy to those women who are in pain struggling of breast cancer and those family members who live in fear, afraid that one day the woman/ man they love dearly will be away from them forever (on a worldly context though. Worldly because I believe in eternity with my God who may also be your God.)

I am this emotional when talking about cancer because I'm a child of a father diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I have my share of heartbreaking stories as I used not to accept the fact that the man closest to me has cancer. I had my share of grief when I found out that my Papa Lando has cancer.

I experienced denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. I had been to all those stages, of course journeying with family, not just once but I experienced the entire stages for a couple of times since the time my Papa Lando was diagnosed with the disease March of 2012.

And as of this writing, I guess I already accepted that my Papa has cancer. He is under medication through alternative medicine and as of September this year,
the doctor said that he is already on safe zone and we are looking forward and still praying for him to be cancer-free.

Again, I'm one with all women,
and men, who are suffering from cancer,
all those family members who has/have loved ones suffering from cancer and even those family members that miss their loved ones who departed because of cancer.

And to those who have loved ones with cancer, like me, let's have faith that God heals those who seek to be healed. Let's keep fighting for them. Please know and remember that they draw strength from us. They continue to fight against cancer because they know they're loved.

In felt that from my Papa Lando and I believe he has that good fighting spirit because he knows he is loved by his wife, son, daughters, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews, cousins, even our neighbors, family friends and my workmates who continuously pray for him all the time, and of course he knows that God loves him dearly.

Note: If you are with me and if you know someone who has the same challenges, I don't mind if you share this. I hope this blog inspires others to hold on and continue fighting, for the sake of the people we love.

Adventure: T'was a pink ribbon and little card

Aside from Children's Month, #October is also a Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

And to join other breast cancer advocates,who help to make people aware of the disease, we wrote words of encouragement on a pink paper to people who are diagnosed with cancer.

My friend and workmate Eure and I went to a mall this evening and saw a bald woman singing on stage, of course we were intrigued why is she bald,
so we decided to get closer and it was then we found out that it was a breast cancer awareness event.

And as a sign of support for the cause, we joined the others in writing words of encouragement to cancer patients and hanged it on a big ribbon standee.

I did it without hesitation, even if we were not invited, because i know how it feels to have someone in the family who has cancer.

I'm an eldest daughter of a father who has colon cancer stage three. (And you know how it is to be an eldest daughter and a breadwinner of the family, in the Philippine context) My Papa Lando was diagnosed with cancer March 2012. And after more than a year the entire family is claiming that he is totally cancer-free, laboratory results and the doctor said that the cancer cells reduced significantly. Thank you, Lord, for the answered prayers and for my friends, workmates and family who were and still with us as the entire family, in one, battled for my papa's cancer.

With the journey/ season experienced, I learned to trust God, and with it I realised that a member of a family with such sickness, whom you loved dearly, needs all out support for them not to let go and for them to fight against the sickness.

That's why I'm personally one with all those people who are fighting against cancer - either the person who has cancer or the family member worrying about a loved one who has cancer.

Saying a little prayer and words of encouragement from you means a lot to those who are fighting against breast, colon or any other cancer diseases. p

Little star on earth

I have had been known and seen alone, most of the times; a woman who distress alone; a woman who solves the problem alone; and a woman who loves to travel alone.  

Being alone has been my comfort zone, even on weekends. I prefer spending  my weekend  travelling alone where I breath the fresh air, see the clear skies or and the blue seas or just stay in a room, wherever place I am at.

As the saying goes, "Alone doesn't have to mean lonely".  It has been my motto ever since but not until this March, not until my Papa was diagnosed with colon cancer.

Since March, the situation has changed. Most of the times, I have been so preoccupied with my fears and worries. Lonesome drowns me.

Coping up with all these have been a struggle. What's keeping me sane are messages, in any forms.  Just like the messages I received last night,  two messages in a form of a text message and from the the movie I watched.

The movie: Every child is special

Ishan, the little child, with his teacher/mentor Ram played by the brillian Aamir Khan before the boys in school where send off for a summer holiday. Ram has been so patient teaching the little child as he has dyslexia, where he can't read and write. But Ishan has a briliant mind and a true artist by nature. 

The movie produced by a Bollywoord actor and producer Aamir Khan, one of the actors of 3 Idiots,  has moved me so much. I can’t put into writing any word that describes the entire movie.  I am just so in awe of Ishan, the little boy in the movie. And the story blow me away. 

I see myself on the little child. Almost every scene touched me. I can’t have enough of it, I didn’t event mind watching it for the 2^nd time just after finishing it last night.  The messages strike me, as if M(y) U(ultimate) B(uddy) is the one speaking to me. 

And in random here are those messages:

Don’t lose hope

There are breaths of fresh air

Setting up free

Discover yourself

Knowing who you are

Your potential is endless in the sky

Fly on; Fly high

Free your mind

You will find your purpose where you find your happiness

A co-worker’s text message

While watching the movie, my workmate Ate Jing texted me about work and asked me about personal things which matters to me most now - my father who is fighting against colon cancer;  Her message blow me away that I end up  weeping, tears running on my cheeks; it didn't even stop until I finish writing this piece.

And I quote, “Ma relate lagi naho nganha nimo ang story sa man nga gipa push sa daku nga stone. Gikapoy na siya sa kabug-at sa iya task pero wala siya kabantay nga because sa ka bug-at  nga task na develop iya musles. Ingana pud ka Mai.” (I can relate your story to man who was task to push a big stone. He was too tired to carry it but he didn’t notice that because of how heavy the task was he didn’t realize that his muscles were developed. You are just like him, Mai)

I didn’t know how and why it happened but I guess MUB must been so worried about me. He might be so worried on the thoughts running on my mind - all these fears and worries that I can’t speak to those around me, except those I trusted the most.

The messages I got makes me feel MUB’s presence. I know all these messages didn’t come in coincidence. It came with a great purpose. It came to remind me that despite all those fears and worries, on my mind and heart, which I think are too heavy for me to carry shall end.  That the star that almost loses its brightness will come back and be found again.

Lord, I know you are there and I promise not to lose the light, it will be back on shining.  One of your little stars will be back on shining. I promise!

Every Child is Special is a must see movie. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anCPlh18xSA&feature=related. This is link is just clips of the entire movie. 

Growing up with my man

My friends often tell me that I am not always being human as they don’t normally see any of my emotions other than when I laugh.  They keep teasing me that I am stone-hearted as they have never heard me talk about love and relationship, as they have never seen me in a relationship with someone.

Aps and my younger sister, days after Papa's surgery removing a part of his large and small intestine including his appendix. 

My friends keep wondering how I show my love and how relationships mean to me. They don’t know that having no one (boyfriend), is a manifestation that I value relationship that much; and I pray and wish to be in a relationship with someone like my Papa who treats his loved ones like queens and princesses.

My Papa is the one and only man in my life and my family’s life. He is my only man and the only man of my mama and my two younger siblings. He is like the Papa of your favorite fairytale characters, the man who forever rescues you and loves you dearly.

And if you ask me about my childhood memories, my Papa will always be the star of the story. I still recall how he would clean my dirty feet whenever I was too tired to wash it after an entire afternoon of playing with my playmates. And most of the time I would ask my Mama and Papa how I got to my bed when I woke up in the morning. 

Even until now, he remains to be the Papa that I have grown up with, nothing has ever changed. My papa has never, not once, dictated my choices especially with my career. I don’t remember him  scolding me, even once. And every time I am with my workmates or students, I introduce him as my boyfriend. This will always start us all laughing.

That’s why when he was diagnosed with colon cancer last March, I felt shattered. I felt I was in a tunnel where light was nowhere to be found.

During my sister's high school graduation. Aps tried his best to be in the graduation . I can't forget my sister telling my Papa, " Pa I won't join the ceremony if you are still confined,". Those words are vivid to me up until now. 

Knowing that my Papa has colon cancer is the most painful I ever experienced in my 25 years of living. Having this kind of emotion is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I don't want others to experience this. This is a nightmare. And even at this time that I am not home, sleeping will always be filled with nightmares as I keep on dreaming of bad things about my Papa, and for sure, those are my worries.

It has been a month since we have had this turmoil but even up to now, I am still in the middle of denial and acceptance about the sickness of my Papa. I have been trying to convince myself not to believe in fairytales- not the thought of having a Papa who is just like the father of your favorite fairytale character, but the thought of a happily ever after.  It is within the context of this experience that I have started not to think of impossible things like forever, as there will never be a forever in this world. I admit it; I am having a hard time convincing myself about forever.

With this turmoil I started hating the things that I used to love; the things that used to keep me sane like sunset, surprises, travelling and uncertainty.

It is in these times that I appreciate those working parents who really spend time for their family despite their busy schedules. And it is also at this time that I envy those people who work near their family. It is this time that I fear the end of every day, and it is this time that I hate travelling. Going on any travel  takes me away from my family at this time when my only wish is to take care of my father, the way he took  and still taking care of us.

 

Little cards

Reflection:  Everyone journeys different seasons- seasons of  contentment,  joy and the seasons of pain and turmoil is not an exemption-  and nobody is exempted! 

Since  March 2012, my family  has been journeying the season of turmoil as my only man , the only man of my mama's, brother's and sister's life was diagnosed with colon cancer.  My papa had undergone a surgery removing a mass inside his colon few days he was diagnosed. 

And I admit,  even up to know I  am still in between denial and acceptance  with what my Papa has been going through. It's like journeying through a darkest tunnel where looking for a light has been a big challenge and the easiest escape is giving up. 

But despite all those, I am blessed to have a support system like my Aunties, Uncles, close friends, and workmates who have been helping me a lot (I bet these guys are God's angels). With this season of turmoil, my family becomes closer and intact. And most importantly our faith have grown each day.

And these little cards above, whom I got from my workmate,  have been my guiding angels as my family goes through the terrible season that I don't wish for anyone to experience it.  The cards somehow capture the lessons I learned out from the recent turmoil we have been  journeying.

And I want to share my thoughts  to you: 

Move:  Don't stop moving as everyday is a journey. 

Be affected: Sometimes or most of the times, we choose not to listen or tend to feel  numb about some situations facing  us because we are afraid to get hurt. But unfortunately God finds ways to make you feel human.  So try to loosen  your emotions and listen to your mind and heart 

Notice more: Do not focus on the bad things happening to you, notice the good things instead.  I keep on telling  this to myself, "Despite the bad experiences and situations, good things will happen in no time. And yes, good things are happening to my family despite the odds." 

Commit your self:   Before the incident, I had been too focus with my career aiming to provide and sustain for my family and fulfill my passion but my season for careers shifted and now I am totally committing myself to my family and  had to let go of  some career-related offers.  

Make your partner look good:With what we've been through, my siblings are my cooperative partners.  And it is in this situation that I tend to notice that my siblings have their own minds. And giving them responsibilities boost their self-esteem . 

These little cards looks so ordinary but the messages have been so striking.  These little cards have been my  guide as I'm trying to live the different seasons of life in a human and moral way. 

Now, which of these messages from these little cards strike you the most?