Growing up with my man

My friends often tell me that I am not always being human as they don’t normally see any of my emotions other than when I laugh.  They keep teasing me that I am stone-hearted as they have never heard me talk about love and relationship, as they have never seen me in a relationship with someone.

Aps and my younger sister, days after Papa's surgery removing a part of his large and small intestine including his appendix. 

My friends keep wondering how I show my love and how relationships mean to me. They don’t know that having no one (boyfriend), is a manifestation that I value relationship that much; and I pray and wish to be in a relationship with someone like my Papa who treats his loved ones like queens and princesses.

My Papa is the one and only man in my life and my family’s life. He is my only man and the only man of my mama and my two younger siblings. He is like the Papa of your favorite fairytale characters, the man who forever rescues you and loves you dearly.

And if you ask me about my childhood memories, my Papa will always be the star of the story. I still recall how he would clean my dirty feet whenever I was too tired to wash it after an entire afternoon of playing with my playmates. And most of the time I would ask my Mama and Papa how I got to my bed when I woke up in the morning. 

Even until now, he remains to be the Papa that I have grown up with, nothing has ever changed. My papa has never, not once, dictated my choices especially with my career. I don’t remember him  scolding me, even once. And every time I am with my workmates or students, I introduce him as my boyfriend. This will always start us all laughing.

That’s why when he was diagnosed with colon cancer last March, I felt shattered. I felt I was in a tunnel where light was nowhere to be found.

During my sister's high school graduation. Aps tried his best to be in the graduation . I can't forget my sister telling my Papa, " Pa I won't join the ceremony if you are still confined,". Those words are vivid to me up until now. 

Knowing that my Papa has colon cancer is the most painful I ever experienced in my 25 years of living. Having this kind of emotion is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I don't want others to experience this. This is a nightmare. And even at this time that I am not home, sleeping will always be filled with nightmares as I keep on dreaming of bad things about my Papa, and for sure, those are my worries.

It has been a month since we have had this turmoil but even up to now, I am still in the middle of denial and acceptance about the sickness of my Papa. I have been trying to convince myself not to believe in fairytales- not the thought of having a Papa who is just like the father of your favorite fairytale character, but the thought of a happily ever after.  It is within the context of this experience that I have started not to think of impossible things like forever, as there will never be a forever in this world. I admit it; I am having a hard time convincing myself about forever.

With this turmoil I started hating the things that I used to love; the things that used to keep me sane like sunset, surprises, travelling and uncertainty.

It is in these times that I appreciate those working parents who really spend time for their family despite their busy schedules. And it is also at this time that I envy those people who work near their family. It is this time that I fear the end of every day, and it is this time that I hate travelling. Going on any travel  takes me away from my family at this time when my only wish is to take care of my father, the way he took  and still taking care of us.

 

Little cards

Reflection:  Everyone journeys different seasons- seasons of  contentment,  joy and the seasons of pain and turmoil is not an exemption-  and nobody is exempted! 

Since  March 2012, my family  has been journeying the season of turmoil as my only man , the only man of my mama's, brother's and sister's life was diagnosed with colon cancer.  My papa had undergone a surgery removing a mass inside his colon few days he was diagnosed. 

And I admit,  even up to know I  am still in between denial and acceptance  with what my Papa has been going through. It's like journeying through a darkest tunnel where looking for a light has been a big challenge and the easiest escape is giving up. 

But despite all those, I am blessed to have a support system like my Aunties, Uncles, close friends, and workmates who have been helping me a lot (I bet these guys are God's angels). With this season of turmoil, my family becomes closer and intact. And most importantly our faith have grown each day.

And these little cards above, whom I got from my workmate,  have been my guiding angels as my family goes through the terrible season that I don't wish for anyone to experience it.  The cards somehow capture the lessons I learned out from the recent turmoil we have been  journeying.

And I want to share my thoughts  to you: 

Move:  Don't stop moving as everyday is a journey. 

Be affected: Sometimes or most of the times, we choose not to listen or tend to feel  numb about some situations facing  us because we are afraid to get hurt. But unfortunately God finds ways to make you feel human.  So try to loosen  your emotions and listen to your mind and heart 

Notice more: Do not focus on the bad things happening to you, notice the good things instead.  I keep on telling  this to myself, "Despite the bad experiences and situations, good things will happen in no time. And yes, good things are happening to my family despite the odds." 

Commit your self:   Before the incident, I had been too focus with my career aiming to provide and sustain for my family and fulfill my passion but my season for careers shifted and now I am totally committing myself to my family and  had to let go of  some career-related offers.  

Make your partner look good:With what we've been through, my siblings are my cooperative partners.  And it is in this situation that I tend to notice that my siblings have their own minds. And giving them responsibilities boost their self-esteem . 

These little cards looks so ordinary but the messages have been so striking.  These little cards have been my  guide as I'm trying to live the different seasons of life in a human and moral way. 

Now, which of these messages from these little cards strike you the most? 

Distance and emotion

Random 'When(s)' from a  daughter and sister, who can't often smell home.

When you're asked when you're going home; And you can't  give definite answers.
When you're told that they're eating your favorite meal together;And you're far away, eating alone.

When you're called that they're confined at the hospital; And you're wishing to be with them.  

When you hear their voice saying 'amping or halong'; And you can't even say it back because you're trying to hold your tears.
When you travel, for leisure, alone; And you wish you're  enjoying the scenery with  them.
When you see airplanes and boats; And it makes you 'homesick'.
When you call them to greet 'happy birthday'; And you're at the airport, boat, or somewhere.
When someone, close to you, is bad mouthing your family; And you end up absorbing those

When you feel that those are tough moments that you have to deal with.
When you're trying to convince yourself that those challenges are part of living a balanced life.
When you're crying all night, thinking all those; But would  still wake up with good vibes

My Aps, my cousin 'Tabing' and little sister Shasha. This was taken a month after his gall-bladder surgery.

My little brother, John Paul.

And when you're willing to sacrifice distance and emotion because you care. You care about them!