February 2, one of my favorite days.

A year ago today, Papa Lando thought it was just an ordinary birthday for him - eat together at home and talk with his sisters who are in Australia over Skype, to greet him.

But when he was told that we were going out for dinner, he was somehow reluctant but still prepared for it. And as soon as he with my Mama arrived in an hotel, in our hometown, he was really in awe.

Without any idea, what was going on, he opened  the door. It was dark then suddenly the lights turned on and he heard the party poppers and heard everyone singing the 'Happy Birthday' song.

His eyes dampened when he saw  EVERYONE especially his sisters, nieces, nephew, brother-in-laws, whom he rarely see.  The family went home to the Philippines to celebrate my Papa's 50th birthday.

He was hugged by everyone while everyone didn't stop singing the  "Happy Birthday' song.  My Papa Lando was teary-eyed and surprised. "Today is the best day of my life," he said.


Now, on his 51st birthday, we are not together and I'm not home but for sure he feels so blessed to know that he is loved and to have given another year after he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colon Cancer, two years ago this year.

Happy birthday, Papa Lando. I will never turn my back on you and our family, whatever happens.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me and my siblings - Sha and John Paul- the best Papa. Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness to my Papa Lando and to my family.

We may not have the luxuries in life but being with our Papa (I hope it's going to be always in the next months and years) and seeing him and knowing his healthy everyday are blessings that we truly appreciate. It's the best gift my Papa and my family is receiving from You every day.

My only prayer and wish for him on his 51st birthday is for You to totally heal him. For him to be officially a cancer survivor. Amen!

Surprise! Aunty Joy, Papa Lando's younger sister welcomes him on his birthday celebration with a flower. 

Sibling's love

Overwhelmed.  Papa  Lando is overwhelm to see everyone close to him. 

Aunty Joy walks Papa Lando to his birthday cake. And another surprise awaits. 

Aunty Joy introduces the next surprise covered in a red curtain. 

Here comes the another surprise. Papa Lando didn't know that Aunty Chona, his younger sister, Uncle Ray and niece Christine and nephew Paul went home for his birthday. 

Papa's first sight of Auntie Chona, his younger sister. He never thought Auntie Chona was coming home for his birthday. The last time they saw each other was when I graduated college, 8 years ago.

The siblings. 

Papa Lando's precious gift.  The Zamora's is almost complete. 

Cousins with Lolo Pedring. 

My ever supportive friends.  

Papa Lando and my younger sibling Sha. It was a double celebration since it was also Sha's 18th birthday. 

My gems! 

Almost complete.  Papa Lando, Aunty Chona, Lolo Pedring, Aunty Joy and Uncle Ronald. (photo from left to right.) When can they be together again in one room, in one house? 

because it's their first time to celebrate a birthday together, after having their own families...

Papa Lando's gems. Notice the non-verbal gestures. 

Growing up with my man

My friends often tell me that I am not always being human as they don’t normally see any of my emotions other than when I laugh.  They keep teasing me that I am stone-hearted as they have never heard me talk about love and relationship, as they have never seen me in a relationship with someone.

Aps and my younger sister, days after Papa's surgery removing a part of his large and small intestine including his appendix. 

My friends keep wondering how I show my love and how relationships mean to me. They don’t know that having no one (boyfriend), is a manifestation that I value relationship that much; and I pray and wish to be in a relationship with someone like my Papa who treats his loved ones like queens and princesses.

My Papa is the one and only man in my life and my family’s life. He is my only man and the only man of my mama and my two younger siblings. He is like the Papa of your favorite fairytale characters, the man who forever rescues you and loves you dearly.

And if you ask me about my childhood memories, my Papa will always be the star of the story. I still recall how he would clean my dirty feet whenever I was too tired to wash it after an entire afternoon of playing with my playmates. And most of the time I would ask my Mama and Papa how I got to my bed when I woke up in the morning. 

Even until now, he remains to be the Papa that I have grown up with, nothing has ever changed. My papa has never, not once, dictated my choices especially with my career. I don’t remember him  scolding me, even once. And every time I am with my workmates or students, I introduce him as my boyfriend. This will always start us all laughing.

That’s why when he was diagnosed with colon cancer last March, I felt shattered. I felt I was in a tunnel where light was nowhere to be found.

During my sister's high school graduation. Aps tried his best to be in the graduation . I can't forget my sister telling my Papa, " Pa I won't join the ceremony if you are still confined,". Those words are vivid to me up until now. 

Knowing that my Papa has colon cancer is the most painful I ever experienced in my 25 years of living. Having this kind of emotion is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I don't want others to experience this. This is a nightmare. And even at this time that I am not home, sleeping will always be filled with nightmares as I keep on dreaming of bad things about my Papa, and for sure, those are my worries.

It has been a month since we have had this turmoil but even up to now, I am still in the middle of denial and acceptance about the sickness of my Papa. I have been trying to convince myself not to believe in fairytales- not the thought of having a Papa who is just like the father of your favorite fairytale character, but the thought of a happily ever after.  It is within the context of this experience that I have started not to think of impossible things like forever, as there will never be a forever in this world. I admit it; I am having a hard time convincing myself about forever.

With this turmoil I started hating the things that I used to love; the things that used to keep me sane like sunset, surprises, travelling and uncertainty.

It is in these times that I appreciate those working parents who really spend time for their family despite their busy schedules. And it is also at this time that I envy those people who work near their family. It is this time that I fear the end of every day, and it is this time that I hate travelling. Going on any travel  takes me away from my family at this time when my only wish is to take care of my father, the way he took  and still taking care of us.