I once had a dear friend

I am so proud of you, Mai!  You deserve all of this, Mai. This is a true testament of your hard work, patience and good heart. Keep safe always and don’t forget to pray. I miss you. Mwah! – These lines are music to my ears but what makes it more precious  is it came from a friend who had seen me at my worst – broken, struggled, suffered, betrayed, rejected and eventually survived, moved on and strived to be better.

I wish to hear those lines from her again but it will never happen, not in this lifetime.

Time has gone forever. But before I carry on, I have to write and feel the memories to always remember that I had once a dear friend.

She is a friend to lean on. She is rare and definitely for keeps. She is a friend that never I doubted her love and sincerity. I guess, our personality jived and we stayed good friends since college because we both are stubborn and complex but despite our complexity we love deeply and unconditionally. 

After college, we do not see often. We have our own lives, in different path. She is settled with a happy family while I am busy with my nomadic lifestyle but, still, the friendship remains.

We had been partners. If one of us is weak and is about to loss one's sanity, either of us would be strong to strike the balance, to think things objectively as it should be.

We never tolerated our mistakes. We both remind each other to do what is good and best. If one of us is not on the right path, we pull each other and make sure to be back on the right track.

We give the most harsh and honest comments to each other, she is good at it more than me though. But we always value those and find it the sweetest gesture. 

I can even remember, weeks after my Papa was diagnosed with cancer, she just popped up on Facebook and sent me this message: “Mai, pahulay –pahulay pud kay haggard na kau kag dagway. (Mai, take some time to rest because you look so haggard.)

She is a selfless friend that will never leave a friend behind and would even do the silliest things to make you happy.

Way back college, she with my friends tried to surprise me. They asked my crush to give me a rose and a big box of Toblerone while we were on an event but since I am more than wise when it comes to surprises. They failed, pissed off and ended up eating the chocolate. Stupid isn’t it? 

That’s how blessed and honored I am to have her.

But last October, I was shattered to hear that she got ill. Her body became so frail due to TB Meningitis. She can’t talk, move her body and even open her eyes.

I kept on calling her over the phone, assuring her that she have us, her friends aside from her family, and telling her she got cheerers, fighting alongside with her. I believed that she would get through it because that’s how I have known her – a warrior. 

She will always gives a good fight on her chosen battles.

Last December, I had the chance to visit her after coming back from my recent lone trip. I knew my heart will be broken seeing her suffer but I had to have the courage to see her and cheer her on in person.

Talking to her over the phone from the past months had been a torture but seeing her suffering was unimaginable beyond words.

She looked so frail. She was so skinny. You would give the impression that she would get only skinnier and littler each day. There was no sign of life in her flesh, only the barest traces of what had been once a good life with a heart-shaped tattoo on her chest that she had before we became friends.

I was sitting beside her with her husband and 5-year-old child Keisha. I noticed every detail of her and how her sickness changed her physically. Half of her head was bald due to the shunt surgery. She had tube on her nose since she was so sick to eat through her mouth. She can’t talk but as soon as she saw me, she was trying to utter words but her frail body can’t make it.

I called her name; she opened her eyes and I saw tears on her eyes. I didn’t know if she recognized me but I hope she knows that she is cared and loved the same way she does to me.

I tell you, with the nature of work I have, my heart had been broken many times, by hearing and seeing the struggles of people’s lives but seeing someone very close to you experiencing the unbearable pain was torture. But I have to fight back my emotions because she never wanted to see her family and friends uncomfortable. She would always remind us – her friends, to have fun and be crazy.

Before I left their home, I still had the chance to wipe her sweats, pull up the towel to cover her chest, put her stress balls on her hands and promised her to come back soon, hopeful that when I come back she will be feeling way better and start reading and replying to tons of get-well-soon messages on Facebook.

But later I knew, five days after my visit, it was the last time I saw her alive.

Rest in peace, Gretchen Tumindog- Bitayo.  I miss you big time but I have to be selfless, the way you taught me. I am totally letting you go today, a month after you died.

Greta with her big smiles. Mam, I miss hearing the Greta laugh. 

Death is not the opposite of life but it’s innate. – Haruki Marukami. 

Written under the pine trees of Dahilayan, Bukidnon while enjoying the tranquility of the forest,  seeing and overhearing the conversations of people enjoying the time with their  family and friends. 

I got one more angel in heaven!

with Greta, Jay, and Keisha when they visited us at  home last January 4, 2014. This was the last time I saw her in good shape. 

Wrote this under a big tree, while seating on a chair with a view of a wooden house and  on the right side of the house, there is a window where I can see vividly a portion of a white coffin. 

"This will be the most difficult task  - giving a eulogy for a dear friend.  And I hope this message gets thru despite my sobs. 

Yes, all those mentioned by the speakers ahead of me,  sharing how Greta had has touched your lives and how she was when she was still with us, are all true. I would like to affirm those. And that's how her friends from college know her. 

But before I continue, let me tell you that we may be only few here, attending the funeral but there are a lot of people who have shown love and care - sent their messages and prayers -  for Greta coming from all parts of the world. 

And up to her last days,  even after she died, we have seen how God , or  Magbabaya as the natives call it, works wonders. It was seen and felt by her friends and the people who even don't know her as a person, who she didn't know either. We were all moved by Greta's life. 

An example to this  is the generosity and kind-hearted friend from the USA  who felt a strong affinity to Greta, even if they don't know each other. She reached out and sent her help for Greta's recovery. With this message and photo that warms our heart.

"My grey world- dead grass, trees with no leaves , no sun and its freezing cold. Helping Greta and her family will brighten my day!," says my American friend.  This photo was taken early in the morning in Chicago, taken by my friend.

And as of this writing, all here friends from different circles continue to unite and support each other for Greta.   That's how dear she is to us. "Greta has been and will always be part of each on, her friends," says our common close friend, Cling. 

Personally, Greta, had been my lifeline in this lifetime, ever since I have known her.  She was my brutal and honest friend. She was one of my few friends who always give me harsh and honest comments and advices. 

In one my  last conversations with her, out of the blue, she asked me, "Gikapoy naka maging single noh? Tug-an ug tinood! (Are you tired of being single? Tell me the truth!)

I turned red. I replied, “Why are you so harsh. It's as if  I was slapped strongly on both sides of my face. And she just replied, “Anah man jud nang mga tinuod nga amiga oi, walay pasakayay, walay plastikanay,” (That’s what true friends are, no sugar coating.)

She was really consistent of her words.  She might have worries and don't want me to be an old maid. I know it sounds sarcastic to others but I find it sweet.  It was an endearment to us. 

I'll gonna miss the teasing, the conversation and those moments when we had to cheer up each other if one of us feels upset, mam. 

at Divisoria, where we used to kill our time, talking with the street kids 

Way back college, I had seen her as strong yet selfless friend.  One time, I had an empty pocket and she had her last money left from her allowance - a hundred pesos. She never hesitated to share it with me and we both survived for that day. 

And up to the months that  she was already sick, she still  thinks of the welfare of her friends and family, more than herself. And her being selfless never changed until the last days of her life. 

I am certain that in one way or another, Greta has all of us in so many ways.

She made us -her friends- stronger and closer, better than before, even if we are in different circles. Our experiences with her will always remind us  to be supportive to each other and  to keep the friendship intact despite our personal differences.

Greta, ever since had been known as warrior and fighter. And that legacy remains in me. She has been helping me survive  my personal battle, fighting my own demons.   She reminds me not to give up with life. And that legacy will never be taken away from me. 

I saw her a week before she died. I witnessed how she wanted to survive but her frail body wasn’t able to make it.

It was hard for me to accept seeing her frail body and much more of her passing. It didn't immediately sink in. I may not have the answers now why God got her too soon. 

Early morning after she died, I called her 5-year-old daughter, Keisha, to tell her, while trying to control my sob, how Papa Jesus loves her mother and that Papa Jesus is already taking care of her. But I was struck of her respond, saying, “Tita Mai, dili lang man si Mama iya love, kita man tanan.” (Tita Mai, Papa Jesus loves everyone not just mama.)

And I realized and said to her that, Yes, Papa Jesus loves everyone that He doesn’t want her mama and your family to suffer.

The conversation with Keisha gave me so much relief and assurance. And I think, for all her friends and family who love  her dearly, every time we miss her, we have to be reminded  to see the passing of Greta, through a child's perspective, through the eyes of Keisha. 

Mam,  I may not be able to hear you speak with your brutal and honest comments , see you and hear the Greta's trademark laugh anymore; and we may not have each other to lean on, listen to our frustrations, complexity of our personalities  but I know  I still got your back. 

Not as my  brutal and honest yet dear friend anymore but  as one of my angels in heaven, protecting me with all my adventures here on earth. 

It’s hard to say this but I have to be selfless, the same way you have thought us - I am letting you go. No more pain. No more sufferings for you, mam. 

And one last favor, mam,   please help me not to sob anymore, because my eyes are already swelling and if that happens, I may not find a boyfriend, which you desire for me to have. :P

Thank you, mam. My journey, your friend's and family's will never be the same without you. 

Farewell, Greta! You fought well, mam!"

As I was on my last words of my eulogy, with sobs in between, while  staring at the coffin, Keisha in white plane t-shirt, was running towards me calling me loudly, 'Tita Mai! Tita Mai" with her charismatic smile. I stared at her,  seeing Greta in her, then we tightly hugged each other.  

with Greta and my other lifelines

The one written here is not the exact words I shared, I made it shorter during the eulogy.