#valentinebummer

My Uncles- Ray and Jaime- with my cousins were outside the hotel room waiting for my my Aunties- Joy and Chona- who were getting ready for dinner. Out of boredom, my Uncle Jaime asked, "Mai, what type of guy do you prefer?" 

"I want a smart and a traveler man," I said.  Paul , my 20-year-old cousin, then said, "That's a tough standard, Mai". And everyone was laughing.  

Few nights after being on a hot seat  me and my cousins - Bogging, Bunsoy, Paul and Christine-  were strolling around Divisoria, in my hometown at Cagayan de Oro City  because I want them to have the glimpse of Filipino culture and somehow experience eating street foods, though they are raised in Filipino ways. 

While strolling , I met my friend from college. Surprised to see each other,  he ran towards me, hugged me and lift me up for seconds. My cousins just starred at us, amazed and shocked with our gestures, it was as if we haven't seen each other for such a long time.

And since I was with my cousins and my friend was with his friend, we parted ways and walked in different directions. 

Just few seconds after we lose our sight of my friend, my 15-year-old cousin Bunsoy said, with all confidence, 'Hey, I can sense that the guy likes you.'

Then everyone was teasing me with 'kilig' on their faces. I starred at them and was seeing their anticipation to hear from me that  I like the guy back. Then I said with a straight face, " Nah, he is guy!"

Their 'kilig' faces immediately turned out looking disappointed and everyone was just saying, "How come my  'gay'dar is off?"

We all just  laughed and kept looking for durian to cure their  disappointment.   What a #valentinebummer. 

Here are my cousins -- Bunsoy (in blue singlet), Christine, Paul (in the middle) and Bogging (in white tee) - who are excited to see me with a boyfriend.  See, that's how supportive they are. <3 

Growing up with my man

My friends often tell me that I am not always being human as they don’t normally see any of my emotions other than when I laugh.  They keep teasing me that I am stone-hearted as they have never heard me talk about love and relationship, as they have never seen me in a relationship with someone.

Aps and my younger sister, days after Papa's surgery removing a part of his large and small intestine including his appendix. 

My friends keep wondering how I show my love and how relationships mean to me. They don’t know that having no one (boyfriend), is a manifestation that I value relationship that much; and I pray and wish to be in a relationship with someone like my Papa who treats his loved ones like queens and princesses.

My Papa is the one and only man in my life and my family’s life. He is my only man and the only man of my mama and my two younger siblings. He is like the Papa of your favorite fairytale characters, the man who forever rescues you and loves you dearly.

And if you ask me about my childhood memories, my Papa will always be the star of the story. I still recall how he would clean my dirty feet whenever I was too tired to wash it after an entire afternoon of playing with my playmates. And most of the time I would ask my Mama and Papa how I got to my bed when I woke up in the morning. 

Even until now, he remains to be the Papa that I have grown up with, nothing has ever changed. My papa has never, not once, dictated my choices especially with my career. I don’t remember him  scolding me, even once. And every time I am with my workmates or students, I introduce him as my boyfriend. This will always start us all laughing.

That’s why when he was diagnosed with colon cancer last March, I felt shattered. I felt I was in a tunnel where light was nowhere to be found.

During my sister's high school graduation. Aps tried his best to be in the graduation . I can't forget my sister telling my Papa, " Pa I won't join the ceremony if you are still confined,". Those words are vivid to me up until now. 

Knowing that my Papa has colon cancer is the most painful I ever experienced in my 25 years of living. Having this kind of emotion is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I don't want others to experience this. This is a nightmare. And even at this time that I am not home, sleeping will always be filled with nightmares as I keep on dreaming of bad things about my Papa, and for sure, those are my worries.

It has been a month since we have had this turmoil but even up to now, I am still in the middle of denial and acceptance about the sickness of my Papa. I have been trying to convince myself not to believe in fairytales- not the thought of having a Papa who is just like the father of your favorite fairytale character, but the thought of a happily ever after.  It is within the context of this experience that I have started not to think of impossible things like forever, as there will never be a forever in this world. I admit it; I am having a hard time convincing myself about forever.

With this turmoil I started hating the things that I used to love; the things that used to keep me sane like sunset, surprises, travelling and uncertainty.

It is in these times that I appreciate those working parents who really spend time for their family despite their busy schedules. And it is also at this time that I envy those people who work near their family. It is this time that I fear the end of every day, and it is this time that I hate travelling. Going on any travel  takes me away from my family at this time when my only wish is to take care of my father, the way he took  and still taking care of us.

 

Distance and emotion

Random 'When(s)' from a  daughter and sister, who can't often smell home.

When you're asked when you're going home; And you can't  give definite answers.
When you're told that they're eating your favorite meal together;And you're far away, eating alone.

When you're called that they're confined at the hospital; And you're wishing to be with them.  

When you hear their voice saying 'amping or halong'; And you can't even say it back because you're trying to hold your tears.
When you travel, for leisure, alone; And you wish you're  enjoying the scenery with  them.
When you see airplanes and boats; And it makes you 'homesick'.
When you call them to greet 'happy birthday'; And you're at the airport, boat, or somewhere.
When someone, close to you, is bad mouthing your family; And you end up absorbing those

When you feel that those are tough moments that you have to deal with.
When you're trying to convince yourself that those challenges are part of living a balanced life.
When you're crying all night, thinking all those; But would  still wake up with good vibes

My Aps, my cousin 'Tabing' and little sister Shasha. This was taken a month after his gall-bladder surgery.

My little brother, John Paul.

And when you're willing to sacrifice distance and emotion because you care. You care about them!