Written April 7,2010
“Hey mates gotta go! I’ll see you later. If may ara makadto di hambala lang nag date paku.” If my officemates hear this, they know where I am going and expect stories shared when I get back from fieldwork. Be it my habal-habal experience, food, passenger sitting beside me – anything.
This is the usual scenario, especially every last two weeks of the month (Data gathering, writing and submission weeks). But today is pretty different; I went back to the office silently, in a very reflective mood and with dried tears on my face, even on my shawl. No stories shared for my officemates.
It was a very strange feeling. For my entire 344 days encounter with children, family and their community, this is the second time I cried in front of my interviewee.
I’ve heard a lot of compelling stories but I always control my emotion when I am out, when I am with people. I don’t allow them to see my soft spot; only my closest friends see my real emotion.
Read more and listen to my story.
I traveled more than an hour, I guess, going somewhere north of Antique to interview a 13-year-old sponsored child and his family. The child and the mother are not new to me and so I am to them. We’ve been seeing each other in almost all World Vision’s activities. But never had the chance to talk to them seriously and how their life goes. It was my first in-deep encounter with the family.
When I arrived, the mother warmly welcomed me with jolly aura and worry-free smile, as she always does. She is on her 40’s and looks very tough.
We had few catching up chitchat while her child signed the waiver permitting me to interview them. It is always my opening spill to feel them at ease. But since they already knew me, I didn’t dwell so much on my introduction.
Then the conversation started and she slowly started disclosing their problem. She cries awfully in front of me and to her teenage son. I don’t know how to comfort her and her son beside me. I don’t know how to react. Should I be happy that I easily gets their heart, sad since this gonna be additional burden that I need to absorb and process as I travel back to the office or this is His way of telling me to wake up? I was really bothered.
But as the conversation goes on, I am trying to believe that I was used as instrument for the family, the mother and child have suppressed their problem and I am the first person, outside the family, to know the story. It's another thought to process.
I get use to hear poverty stories, for almost a year now but its my first time to hear a mother sharing what she is going thru; the depression, pain, angst, and frustration brought by her elder child, not the sponsored child. I was honestly crashed, broke down and ended up crying.
During the conversation, I felt the mother’s concern and unconditional love she has despite the problem the child brought to them. I saw a mother’s very pure and vulnerable love she has for her children! It was so heart-warming and worth reflecting.
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| I look like her but we have different views. |
While she was sharing the story, I started to reflect and remember the “cat and dog” relationship I have with my mother.Thou, I am already a controlled child when i came back to Cagayan de Oro, right after my spiritual retreat last December , but issues with my mother is still working in progress.
I am responsible to my family but a very insensitive child to my mother. I never think of how she feels. I never let her feel that she is valued. I consider her as less important, obviously not similar to the way I treat my papa and two younger siblings. She is always not part of our gameplan whenever I am home. My neighbor even told me that I am a very disrespectful child and has no debt of gratitude since I always let my mother cry. They know how my mother feels since she shares our mother and child relationship to them.
As I finished the interview, I hugged the child and the mother to let them feel the comfort and love. But as I hugged them I was asking myself. Can I hug my mother tightly as I hug this suffering mother? While doing it, I am trying to deny my thoughts and feelings towards my mother because I don’t want to feel self-pity.
As of this writing I never saw my face at the mirror yet. I am honestly ashamed coz I don’t want to see the inconsiderate, and insensitive Mai.
Again as of this writing, I am still processing my thoughts and I realized that my family matters most. My mom matters most to me. I want to live with this promise and openly give in to love my mother with no restrictions. And of course try to understand the differences we have.
Thank You for allowing me to feels this. Now I realized how a mother feels when her child terribly hurts her. It is very compelling and painful. I know the feeling because He allows me to experience and listen to a mother who is deeply in pain.
2 comments:
Mai....it's about time to swallow your pride and take a little steps to get closer to your mom... hehehe.. they are not getting any younger and so do you..
tried it but it didn't work, Jam:)
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