My friends often tell me that I am not always being human as they don’t normally see any of my emotions other than when I laugh. They keep teasing me that I am stone-hearted as they have never heard me talk about love and relationship, as they have never seen me in a relationship with someone.
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| Aps and my younger sister, days after Papa's surgery removing a part of his large and small intestine including his appendix. |
My friends keep wondering how I show my love and how relationships mean to me. They don’t know that having no one (boyfriend), is a manifestation that I value relationship that much; and I pray and wish to be in a relationship with someone like my Papa who treats his loved ones like queens and princesses.
My Papa is the one and only man in my life and my family’s life. He is my only man and the only man of my mama and my two younger siblings. He is like the Papa of your favorite fairytale characters, the man who forever rescues you and loves you dearly.
And if you ask me about my childhood memories, my Papa will always be the star of the story. I still recall how he would clean my dirty feet whenever I was too tired to wash it after an entire afternoon of playing with my playmates. And most of the time I would ask my Mama and Papa how I got to my bed when I woke up in the morning.
Even until now, he remains to be the Papa that I have grown up with, nothing has ever changed. My papa has never, not once, dictated my choices especially with my career. I don’t remember him scolding me, even once. And every time I am with my workmates or students, I introduce him as my boyfriend. This will always start us all laughing.
That’s why when he was diagnosed with colon cancer last March, I felt shattered. I felt I was in a tunnel where light was nowhere to be found.
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| During my sister's high school graduation. Aps tried his best to be in the graduation . I can't forget my sister telling my Papa, " Pa I won't join the ceremony if you are still confined,". Those words are vivid to me up until now. |
Knowing that my Papa has colon cancer is the most painful I ever experienced in my 25 years of living. Having this kind of emotion is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I don't want others to experience this. This is a nightmare. And even at this time that I am not home, sleeping will always be filled with nightmares as I keep on dreaming of bad things about my Papa, and for sure, those are my worries.
It has been a month since we have had this turmoil but even up to now, I am still in the middle of denial and acceptance about the sickness of my Papa. I have been trying to convince myself not to believe in fairytales- not the thought of having a Papa who is just like the father of your favorite fairytale character, but the thought of a happily ever after. It is within the context of this experience that I have started not to think of impossible things like forever, as there will never be a forever in this world. I admit it; I am having a hard time convincing myself about forever.
With this turmoil I started hating the things that I used to love; the things that used to keep me sane like sunset, surprises, travelling and uncertainty.
It is in these times that I appreciate those working parents who really spend time for their family despite their busy schedules. And it is also at this time that I envy those people who work near their family. It is this time that I fear the end of every day, and it is this time that I hate travelling. Going on any travel takes me away from my family at this time when my only wish is to take care of my father, the way he took and still taking care of us.
8 comments:
Wow. So profound Mai. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father. I am sure it's so difficult what you are going through, I mean knowing that the most important man in your life is sick, does not really assure anything. I am praying though. I am certain everything is happening through the Will of God. We just have to trust Him.
Thanks Jam. Yes this is His will and I never doubted nor questioned Him naman with what I have had been going through and of course my family. I still believe on my life verse which is the Jeremiah 29:11.
I wish this blog is also helpful to you and to everyone. I hope this serves as a reminder to us:). Thanks much for taking the time to read it. I so appreciate it.
Mai, I think my original comment posted last week was not saved here. Anyway, as promised, here are some excerpts of what I wrote: It is beautifully written and captures your emotions. I did not know the extent of your Papa's condition not until I read your blog. I can also relate to this especially the part about being away from family because we are always travelling, mga disipulo kita nga daan ni Dora the Explorer. Hope you brought your backpack! hahaha.
Mai, I know how much your papa means a lot to you and im so sorry for not being there for you.. Can i still make it up? Just always remember that everything happens for a reason.. a reason you may not know yet but soon you will be surprise how amazing God is in creating a maze to put you above anything in this world... Trust and obey Him and you will be fine and also your papa..
I miss my papsy! :(
Di ba Ng Nairs?hihihi.. we've been bringing our backpack all the time, too sad we can't put our loved ones inside our backpack to travel with us..hihi
Salamat Mam Les. I miss you:)
Same here, John.. I wish to be home the soonest..miss you:)
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